I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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