I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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