The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
