So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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