mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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