Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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