even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
