Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
