I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
