I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
