I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
