I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
