This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
