I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
