The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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