I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
