When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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