honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize