I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
