i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
