Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
