I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
