omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
