I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
