Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
