She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
