I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize