I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
