I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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