my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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