It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
