Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Umm I'm too high to move.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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