Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
