Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
