She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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