that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
