The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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