I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize