I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
