Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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