Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize