if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she told me i tasted like america
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
