my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My balls are so social today.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize