So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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