Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
