I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
