Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
