So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
