just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
