I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize