I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
