He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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