k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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