Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
