if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
worst night to have a conscience
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
