Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
