I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize