Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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