mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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