i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
