the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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