Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
