fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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