It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
