The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
