I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
