Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
