I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
